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(Contains: violence/gore)
The infomercial had lied to him. It couldn't juice anything.  And by "anything", James wasn't simply contradicting the product slogan "It can juice anything!"

No.

He remained sedentary in the middle of another man's kitchen on blood drenched tile, with the sinking feeling that it truly couldn't juice anything.

Perhaps it was the amount of fat on the bones or the amount of pieces, but to accept the latter would mean admitting a flaw in his calculations. That would be too much.

"Oh no, Big Boy. This one is all your fault." James murmured, scrubbing the bits of Harold Reeves from between a blue and green ceramic plate.

"Harold, Harold," James hummed, "Or perhaps I should call you Abundiantus. Do you know what that means?"

A chunk fell with a plop from the yellow painted wall to the floor beneath it.

Messy.

"Of course, you don't…" The pile gurgled, partially hanging out of the faulty fruit-juicer. He gave a wry chuckle and quipped, "One really can't blame you. I'm sure that a few pieces of your comprehensive thought are partially soaked into your pant leg...What a catastrophe you are,"

As the rigorous cleansing ensued, James' arm began to ache as he scrubbed and sopped up the mucky, guilty mess that he had made. With a groan, the frustrated man abandoned the task and dropped the sullied rag to the floor with a squish. The juicer was large, and truly did appear powerful, but it seemed that even a genius could make the most obvious of mistakes.

"What a catastrophe you are," he snarled again.

James stripped wordlessly and flung Harold's oversized shirt and pants onto the sofa. He deftly replaced the rags with his own clothing and packed the juicer, sauntering through the lopsided wooden door, and closing it behind him.

Perhaps, he would burn the place down if he ever returned. With a last look at the run-down shack Harold had once dubbed a home, James slid into his car and drove away.

During his travel home, James took a moment to glance forlornly back at his disappointing purchase. He rolled down the window and let the air dry the clumps of blood in his hair.

In the end, he hadn't killed Old Harold. The man had long since passed in his home.

However, who could've said that the aspect of trying out a new, supposedly innovative fruit juicer wasn't tempting?

Certainly not James.
Day 7 for FFM. I'm super late.

UPDATE!!!!-----


As I replied to other comments regarding this, it was my spell-check that turned James' darling, little chuckle into delicious grain. I edit my stories on my mobile at times (because I'm a dufus), and happened to put "ry" instead of "wry" and the phone decided that bread related things was the right way to go. :D I've replace the word with the correct one and am now moving on...
Rest assured, I'm thoroughly embarrassed about that, but since putting this story up, I've gotten my laptop out of repair. (YAY! No more phone editing!)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-01-09
Gullibility by ~Schandlich Suggester Writes: Horrific and hilarious; what more could you possibly want? ( Suggested by SilverInkblot and Featured by BeccaJS )
:iconthe-remnantjuice:
The-RemnantJuice Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013
*Chuckles :)
Reply
:iconkabuto124:
kabuto124 Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
what is the correlation between being gullible and mutilation?



You just found out!
Reply
:iconartuition:
Artuition Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Student Artisan Crafter
WTF did i just read?!

...Whatever it was, I think I liked it ;)
Reply
:icongrammarshinehyena:
GrammarshineHyena Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
He killed a man... just to test out his new fruit juicer? LOL!!! xD

That story was so awesome. I love it. O3O
Reply
:icondrs2406:
DRS2406 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Professional General Artist
No he did NOT kill him.That´s the whole point of the story.
Reply
:icongrammarshinehyena:
GrammarshineHyena Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wait... what? I'm confused...
O____O
Reply
:icondrs2406:
DRS2406 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Professional General Artist
Read it again,closely.
It sais the old man had already been dead.
And the guy from the story found him and then thought:"Hey if he´s dead already,I can as well test my juicer on him...
Reply
:icongrammarshinehyena:
GrammarshineHyena Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ohhh... Sorry, I missed that part. :blush: lawl
Reply
:icondrs2406:
DRS2406 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Professional General Artist
Now the story´s even cooler,eh? :iconhowamazingplz:
Reply
:icongrammarshinehyena:
GrammarshineHyena Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah! xP
Reply
:iconchaoticgirl:
chaoticgirl Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
i don't know why i thought of dexter...o.o
Reply
:iconkabuto124:
kabuto124 Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i do
Reply
:iconazranoxx:
AzraNoxx Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student Writer
What crazy fun. :D ^.^
Reply
:icondarkenedsoul12:
DarkenedSoul12 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student General Artist
lmfao awesome!
Reply
:iconnaiko-morei:
Naiko-Morei Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I started reading this and I couldn't stop :clap:
Reply
:iconkanjimaru67:
Kanjimaru67 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
This is absolutely fantastic.
Reply
:iconindigodragon13:
IndigoDragon13 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
He needs the World Class Juicer 2000. :)
Reply
:iconrazgriz-3:
Razgriz-3 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
It's not funny.

(HAAA HA HA HA HAH A HA HA HA HA)
Reply
:iconmomohinamoru:
MomoHinamoru Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student Artist
i dont get it
Reply
:iconsaints-fan-12:
saints-fan-12 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oddly funny, i could picture the whole thing going on.
Reply
:iconanimetraprincess:
AnimetraPrincess Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student General Artist
The reason why you got the DD can't even be QUESTIONED! That was awesome. :) Congrats!
Reply
:iconthedisgusticifiedone:
TheDisgusticifiedOne Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
...Oh what a world, what a world!
Reply
:iconunfinishedcastles:
unfinishedcastles Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
how cute
Reply
:iconmangasockattack:
mangasockattack Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's hilarious! Congrats on the DD~
Reply
:iconelfproject:
elfproject Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Professional General Artist
Amazingly visual!
Reply
:icondrs2406:
DRS2406 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Professional General Artist
NICE.
Reply
:iconmechanimator:
mechanimator Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student General Artist
Ahhhh, good old horror stories, before going to bed...
That's a real mess, James!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconmyoung4828:
myoung4828 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
ha, wow, that is inventive to say the least.
Reply
:iconnumblove45:
numblove45 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist
Hahahahahgaa ur the best
Reply
:icondoodelay:
Doodelay Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student Writer
oh noooooo :XD:
Reply
:iconglowworm56:
glowworm56 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
Shoving an already dead man into a juicer? :giggle: That's bizarrely hilarious.
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
So hilarious yet horrifying at the same time.
Excellent!
Reply
:iconamethystsadachbia:
AmethystSadachbia Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Only one quibble—I think you meant "wry chuckle", not "rye chuckle". Other than that, it's very good.
Reply
:iconschandlich:
Schandlich Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I know. As I replied to the previous comment regarding this, it was my spell-check. I edit my stories over the phone. I must have put "ry" instead of "wry" and the phone decided that bread related things was the right way to go.
Reply
:iconamethystsadachbia:
AmethystSadachbia Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ah, I see. Heheh. Silly autocorrect.
Reply
:iconschandlich:
Schandlich Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I know. Auto correct is beautiful and horrible. At least, this way I can say that, just for an moment, I was smarter than technology.
Reply
:iconamethystsadachbia:
AmethystSadachbia Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hehehe, yeah. :XD:
Reply
:iconthedorsai:
TheDorsai Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I felt so offput. Like every paragraph shifted the tone and made me re-evaluate the story. It was novel, and I liked it a ton!
Reply
:iconnobleelf:
NobleElf Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
It's exciting to see language being stretched beyond the 'normal' three- and four-letter words...just one correction; wry, not rye. Unless you meant his chuckle was coated in a certain flour from the seeds of a certain rye!
Reply
:iconschandlich:
Schandlich Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Heh. That actually has to do with the odd spellchecker on my phone. I sometimes edit on my mobile. I must have put "ry" instead of "wry" and the phone "corrected" it.
...Hmm...doughy laughter... That sounds delicious. I must now invent it. :XD:
Reply
:iconcatluvr2:
catluvr2 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:lmao: Congrats on the DD! :+favlove:
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:iconzee-who:
Zee-Who Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist
Congrats on your Daily Deviation!:squee::heart:
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:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
Diabolical. Congratulations on your D.D!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I laughed a bunch. Nice job with the setup here--twisting expectations after a line is usually too short to have an effect, but you made it work.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! Just a note to let you know I've featured this piece in my 2012 showcase of 100 pieces of literature: [link] :D
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012
& congrats on the DLD :) that's how I found this
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:iconschandlich:
Schandlich Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. XD
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012
Haha, creepy.

"What a catastrophe you are," he snarled again.
^ I feel like italicizing "catastrophe" is weird when I try to say it. When I snarl that sentence on my own, I'd probably put the emphasis on the "you." Part of it is that catastrophe doesn't have a convenient place to throw on the emphasis since "o"s are fun to emphasize but that doesn't work here since "ta" is the most accented syllable. ("CataSTROphic" would, for example, be an acceptable word to italicize because you can really snarl out that "STRAW" sound whereas "TAH" is not so snarly.) But "you" is quite snarlable.

Sorry for weird nit-picking, but the italics did throw me off there.
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:iconschandlich:
Schandlich Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks. Creepy is cool. :XD:

I can hear catastrophe snarled that way. In fact, I've heard it said that way in film. Putting emphasis on the "you" would be much odder due to the fact that I didn't mean for the "you" to hold the main significance in that sentence. The irritation lies in the catastrophe, not Harold. It's an exasperated over dramatic tone.

Try imagining James throwing down something, or punching the wall, or some jerky movement such as throwing his hands up at the word "catastrophe", that would naturally cause his body to emphasize the word due to the force of movement. I'm not saying that he does this, but it would help you to better visualize how the sentence is said. The part of the word catastrophe to be emphasized in this situation is the -TAST-, dramatizing the word. (Which was the point. James is whiny.)

I think that in this situation, it was simply a mental preference on both of our parts. When it comes to italics, many people imagine the italicized word to be spoken in many ways, feeling comfortable only in certain types of emphasis. It's almost the same way that one may imagine a character in a story without illustrations to be a boy or a girl, black or white (if this information was not already hinted at or mentioned), because of their personal areas of interest. Just as I italicized the word "said" at the top of this message, there are several people who would be uncomfortable with that decision. Some may want to italicize "that" or even "way". In the Bible there are many times when I find their italicized words uncomfortable to read. Though, as I was told not long ago in Communications italicizing different words in a sentence gives the sentence different meanings, and for the meaning of my sentence, my word of choice was completely merited.

However, this also may be that your voice isn't snarly enough to snarl catastrophe. ;D
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Submitted on
July 7, 2012
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